I’m not wanting to do anything today. It’s a Friday and I don’t normally see clients on Friday, so I spend the day getting caught up on paperwork, filing, laundry, house cleaning…all those things that we need a day to do. However, today it’s not happening. I have a stack of case notes to write, something I normally don’t have as I try to keep up with my case notes at the end of each day. But this week started with the death of my beloved sister-in-law Julie and I’m feeling heavily the effects of her loss. I’m grieving and feeling numb in so many ways and this numbness has stopped me from caring about my normal Friday chores. I feel like I’m going through the motions, and I find myself wiping away tears as I write this. Julie’s death was not unexpected as she’s suffered with the ravages of cancer for a long time, but even though death is expected, the impact of death and the grieving takes a toll. Julie was one of the truly nice people in the world – always smiling, always with something nice to say, always ready to help – just beautiful inside and out, even as cancer took its toll on her body. The picture was taken about 8 years ago at the wedding of one of her sons. See what I mean about that smile? God has a good one in heaven with Him today.
I also had major foot surgery right before Christmas to basically reconstruct my right foot. The recovery has been a long one, though I’m hopefully two weeks away from shedding the boot and putting on big girl shoes again. I was six weeks no weight bearing (a knee scooter was my friend) and since the end of January have been walking with my boot, adding more steps each day/week. (I actually hit 10 miles on my Fit Bit last week.) Recovering from major surgery and its limitations is exhausting at times. It’s also limiting as I can’t drive in my boot so I’m at the mercy and schedule of my husband. My foot is still swollen, and will be for some time, and it hurts most of the time, especially when I’ve been on it a lot during the day. Today my hurt is slowing me down. Maybe my foot is feeling my grief.
It’s also been a tough week with my clients. I had a full four days – 24 client sessions – which is a lot. I’m a trauma therapist which means I deal with some pretty heavy stuff. Normally, I am able to compartmentalize my therapist self from my personal self, meaning I don’t absorb the tough stuff I hear and carry it with me. I can’t do this because if I did, I’d take the previous client into the session with the next client. I’d also take my clients into my personal life and this is not healthy. I have to leave my “clients in my office” in order to keep myself healthy. It’s something all therapists need to learn. But, I’ve discovered in my years of counseling that when I am also going through my own “stuff”, it takes more energy to be fully present with my clients. It also becomes much harder to leave my clients in my office at the end of the day. I find myself more tired and not sleeping as well…and I find myself not wanting to do all the paperwork for all those sessions.
I share all this with you in order to normalize “life”. Often we hesitate to give ourselves grace when we are going through so much. I know that my numbness is grief. I know that my not wanting to do anything is grief. I know that my body is tired of trying to walk with a heavy boot on my foot for the past 9 weeks. I know I’m tired of not being able to jump in the car and just do what I want to do…by myself. I know I am sad. And I know I need to especially take care of myself because of what I’m going through. I need to give myself grace.
So for today, I’m not going to feel guilty if I don’t get all the things on my to-do list done. I think I’ll sit here for a few minutes and just allow myself to look at pictures and cry. And then maybe I’ll bake chocolate chip cookies and watch a sappy Hallmark movie. Self-grace is good.
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