I had a long talk with a close friend today about taking responsibility for your actions and how difficult this can be for so many people. It’s much easier to blame someone else versus looking at yourself. As a therapist, I know this well as I hear clients tell me everyday how they are made to feel responsible for another person’s actions and when they try to defend themselves, the blame becomes even greater. There’s a clinical term for this – gaslighting – and it means psychologically manipulating someone else into thinking they are to blame for someone else’s actions or problems. The victim in this case begins to question his or her own sanity. It’s a technique often used by those with narcissistic and/or borderline personality disorders to deflect any responsibility from themselves. The victim of gaslighting often asks “what did I do?” and finds themselves eventually questioning and second guessing everything they do.
The biggest consequence of victims of gaslighting is their eventual lack of self-confidence, and if the person seeks therapy and builds self-confidence and rebels against the gaslighter by setting boundaries, the person will often be ostracized by the gaslighter and sometimes “kicked out” of the family or friend situation. I’ve had several clients be disowned or rejected by family members when they no longer allowed the gaslighter to project all their issues on them…when they have said “no more!” I’ve sat with clients through many tear-filled sessions as my clients finally realize that they are not the source of the gaslighter’s problems, and will no longer accept that they are so bad to be rejected in such a way. It’s their first step to empowerment and taking back their lives
When asked why people treat those they profess to love in such a way, my answer is that there are a lot of toxic people in this world (many of whom also have the title of mom or dad) and who are unable to face their own problems and stop the toxicity loop that often started in their childhood. It’s part of the mental illness behind some personality disorders that unhealthily embraces the idea that it’s better to destroy someone else than find help for yourself.
If you recognize yourself in this post, there is help for you. I’ve been on the receiving end of a gaslighter’s actions and know how it can hurt to be attacked in this way. Fortunately I am a strong and resilient woman, with the ability to not let the gaslighter take me down. That’s the warrior in me. I can help you find your inner warrior, and if for some reason I can’t help you, I know other therapists who can. Make it your 2020 resolution to no longer be the victim of a gaslighter or the target of a person with narcissistic or borderline personality disorders. One of my greatest joys is when a client tells me that they no longer want to be someone else’s verbal punching bag. In doing so, they are stopping the cycle of abuse and victimhood. Call me at 720-707-9119 and let’s talk. You have an ally in me.
I could do with some help.
Hello Alex,
Tell me what you are struggling with. If you are not in Colorado, I cannot be your therapist, but perhaps I can provide you with guidance.
Jane
What if the only thing they an find wrong in the relationship is a couple different single instances that are a year old. Said one time regrettably. I’m pretty much a shell of myself when she start fighting with me because that’s what she does when I’m visibly upset by something she’s done. Or better yet not done even though she agrees. I’m in a severe situation
Hello Devon,
I’m sorry I am just responding to your message. I don’t always get the notifications of comments. It sounds like the issue here is her inability to let go of something and my question would be why she is hanging onto that issue. Is it a symptom of other problems in the relationship or a symptom of issues in her past that she is unable to deal with? For you, it becomes a question of how you can deal with her attacks and either stand up for yourself or find a way to not allow her attacks to take you down. Living with people who gaslight can be very difficult. I suggest you first find a therapist to help you find healing by strengthening your resolve and toughening your “shell” and then, if you are willing to continue in this relationship, work with a couple’s therapist on how you and this woman communicate.
Jane
WHERE ARE YOU IN COLORADO AS WE LIVE IN LAKEWOOD. DO YOU ACCEPT APPOINTMENTS AND INSURANCE?
My sister, who is 13 months younger than me, is 59, single, extremely overweight, and has a habit of verbally attacking (by text or email) anyone who either disagrees with her or doesn’t do something she demands. Our mother, who passed away last year, coddled, sided with, and enabled her. We believe she has BPD; I’ve tried blocking her on social media and on my phone to protect myself from her. She’s been to therapy for years but tries to tell the world that I’m “crazy” (her words). I wish her no harm but wish she’d leave us alone. She has alienated everyone in the family except for one saintly cousin. Not easy.
You are right. Being in a relationship with someone like your sister is very difficult. It’s made even more difficult because this is your sister. It sounds like you are trying to set boundaries with her and I encourage you to continue to do so. Do you have a good support system to help you with the boundaries? I hope so. Continue to remind yourself that no one can make you do something you do not want to do, including being in a relationship with someone who acts the way your sister does toward you.
is it possible for a male to be manipulated and gaslighted by an adult female?
it’s too bad, but it’s almost like you should expect anyone you meet to have either NPD or BPD, especially if they are a woman.
Hi Larry,
Absolutely it’s possible for a male to be manipulated and gaslighted by an adult female. Gaslighting knows no gender boundaries. There are many reasons why a person gaslights another person – unresolved trauma, attachment issues, certain personality disorders are more prone to gaslighting as these disorders tend to lead a person to an inability to recognize within themselves where responsibility lies. However, if you find yourself in relationships in which gaslighting often comes up, I would encourage you to look within yourself as to why you either attract people who gaslight or whether your own boundaries are not strong enough so that you are easily manipulated. People who are more empathetic or who are rescuers or with a savior complex can be more easily manipulated.
Ex daughter-in-law was violent to our son. Marriage ended. Our granddaughter was diagnosed with cystic fibrosis at 3wks and that seemed to trigger worsening behaviour. She doesn’t accept that she has a problem, blames everyone else. Have discovered that her father had a serious temper, not sure whether physical violence was involved. Her anger is irrational and threatens stopping access to our granddaughter. I’m not in the USA.
Thanks for thr great article!
It is very comforting to see that others are suffering from the same problem as you, wow!